when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Randomize
