can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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