Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
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