he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
