Jerry, you need to find god
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
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