i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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