I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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