I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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