Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Randomize
