I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
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