i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
