id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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