I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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