Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
It was confusing and full of hummus
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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