Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
4 words: hood of his car
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
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