If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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