Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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