no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
