you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
