Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.�
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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