sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
