Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
