i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
