i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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