he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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