the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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