Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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