I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
