They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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