I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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