I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
