If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
