Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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