I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
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