I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
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