My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Randomize
