My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
