Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
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