his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
