Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
We need a shit load of segways right now
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Randomize
