I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
