Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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