I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
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