i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Randomize
