Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
