I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
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