I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
