I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
