Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
