she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
