I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
