I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
My penis needs a shock collar
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Randomize
