i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
