So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
